The Woman Problem

What do women want? 
Women want men to stop researching what 'women' want and to improvise - to tailor a unique way of loving based upon her individual idiosyncrasies and to stop thinking that women can be figured out as a group or that 'the woman' is an archetype that can be defined. Men who choose to take the 'research and problem solve' approach with their woman automatically place her in the role of being a problem (at worst) or a puzzle (at best). A bit of flexibility and dynamism goes a LONG way. The best lovers, partners and teammates understand that woman is like music - not to be figured out, but to be enjoyed, celebrated and tapped into as an emotional resource. Sometimes she is composed classical, sometimes steamy salsa, sometimes heavy metal. Whatever she is today - just dance, improvise and be thankful for the music :)

Falling in Love Weekly

I seem to be falling in love weekly lately. Indeed, I'm getting rather good at it. Last night, I met a softly spoken, adorably polite yet super-sharp Kenyan CFO in a nice linen suit on the train at Exeter. We bumped into each other at the luggage rack and then serendipitously, our seat reservations had us sharing a table. His Sony Vaio brushed flirtatiously against my Mac. I avoided eye contact and pretended to read Vanity Fair. Then he wished me "bon appetit" as I inhaled my Morrison's Best ploughmans sandwhich, to which I saucily replied “merci” with a grin and let him imagine that I can string a sentence together in French. Which I can’t.

Was I visiting family he wanted to know? Yes, actually (boymen are so dreamy when they’re right about things) and was he visiting Britain on business? Of course he was. Clever me. Clearly we’re both psychic and therefore obviously soulmates, so I let him use my internet tethering and shared my grapes. He gave me a carton of apple juice, a dairy milk and some walkers and we fell in love a little bit. He ate his BLT and got mayo all over his face, which I found just fascinating because of the contrast against his very dark skin. He subtly mentioned his big beachfront house in Kenya and I told my voodoo child story about my musician parents meeting in New Orleans.

He explained how he’s going to change the world through sound financial practise and I explained why working in weddings is just like being a psychologist. We reassured each other that these points were completely unpretentious universal truths, and the fact that the rest of the world just hadn’t cottoned on to them yet only strengthened our bond.

He taught me how to pronounce his surname and watched me fiddle with my hair, and I pretended not to notice him stealing a sort-of-sneaky glance at my chest. He expressed disapproval towards black men who objectify light skinned/mixed race women and I expressed a desire to make a difference in the world. We laughed, we debated, we spoke of giraffes and canoeing, time differences and cowboys, tribal behaviours, the state of the Euro, the healing power of song, Germany, and cultural identity. We agreed that Steve Irwin was a very silly man, that hats are brilliant and that France has the best Jazz and then just before Reading he asked to take me back to Kenya to be his wife. Tempted, so I told him to find me on facebook. Marriage proposal response 2012 style. Last time I received a proposal from a stranger I gave the guy my email address. Odd how fast email has become passé. True Story.

Expectations, laziness and forgiveness

If you inspire me or teach me in any small way, I will forgive you a multitude of sins. Friends say this makes me a doormat. In fact, a lot of the time, you don’t even need to have inspired me. I feel that it means my priorities are to spend energy learning rather than attempting to reform others by shouting at them when they are crap.

If you are a dear friend, I'm likely to give you some tough love when you are crap. But if you are exiting my life, I always instinctively go uncharacteristically quiet and opt for forgiveness and acceptance. Quiet forgiveness allows me to conserve my own energy to go on improving myself. Is this selfish? Does this mean I am exhibiting a lack of responsibility? By not feeling the need to spew negativity every time someone disappoints me, am I affirming and enabling that person's poor behaviour and therefore being a lazy member of society?

And isn't disappointment just an inevitable product of expectations? I always try not to place expectations upon people. I expect people to keep to their word, and that’s about it. It’s kind of Buddhist, actually. A quick google of “Buddhism Expectations” returned this, and many other hits:

“Another slant on this is lower your expectations. Quit expecting so much out of everyone, even yourself. Show and feel compassion for yourself and others. Live in the current moment and enjoy it! Realize the truth that you and everyone else is imperfect.

“Now, lower your expectations in a realistic way, don't settle for less because it is easier, or you have low self-esteem, or that you are lazy. Correct these conditions, and you can, then move forward.”

-       http://www.noble-buddhism-beliefs.com/buddhist-wisdom.html

Still – how do you “lower your expectations in a realistic way” and know you’re not being lazy or insecure?

Time to start meditating?