Wednesday, 11 April 2012

The Empath

Comparing the intelligence of men and women is like comparing the usefulness of cars and tractors - they are similar, but designed for different uses. Cars will completely fail to perform tasks that tractors do all day long, and no matter how hard they are pushed, and how much fuel they consume, tractors will never be useful for the same things as cars. 
Of course, that all depends on where one draws the line between useful and pointless. This is down to which individual is drawing the line, and the individual set of circumstances surrounding the task to be performed.
'Intelligence' is also a subjective term, and I think that this is something that people forget. A study is a good study until it is disproved. The IQ test is generally accepted as a good barometer, but is also successfully challenged on a regular basis.
Let's not debate the subjectivity of the word 'success' right now eh? ;)
What is intelligence? The Oxford American dictionary definition reads thus:
Intelligence |inˈtelijəns|
noun
the ability to acquire and apply knowledge and skills : an eminent man of great intelligence | they underestimated her intelligence.
• a person or being with this ability : extraterrestrial intelligences.
the collection of information of military or political value : the chief of military intelligence | [as adj. ] the intelligence department.
• people employed in this, regarded collectively : French intelligence has been able to secure numerous local informers.
• information collected in this way : the gathering of intelligence.
• archaic information in general; news.
Groan...perhaps intelligence is not a good place to start when comparing the sexes. It seems that the word itself connotes masculinity, at least to some. We need a new word, somewhere between intelligence and empathy, methinks.
If intelligence is about thinking and empathy is about feeling, which is more important for survival? Let's just assume for the sake of argument that it is generally accepted that men are better at thinking and women are better at feeling. Somewhere along the way in history, perhaps a culture has evolved where thinking is deemed more important and useful for survival, and therefore we have structured our society to put the thinkers in charge.
However, Baumeister* makes an excellent point that cultures tend to shield their women from risky situations. When asking the question of which gender is more important to society, Baumeister’s point makes one question whether a conclusion should be drawn based upon which gender is in charge. The question of who is in charge is interesting, but the question of who is deemed important enough to be given the best chance of survival is fascinating. Modern examples that spring to mind are China and their attitude towards baby girls or America and their (some would say) cavalier approach to sending their young men into battle and their utter failure to provide adequate healthcare for their elderly.  
If woman is an empath and man an intellectual, then surely the instinct of many cultures to protect their empaths from the line of fire suggests an understanding that empaths keep families together long enough to successfully procreate. It suggests a perceived value for their intuitive ability to respond to the needs of child and mate, and their instinctive actions to avoid or solve familial discord.
Empaths also make great healers (because to regain health – the aim of modern medicine - is not always to heal), teachers, and stress-relievers (whether through entertainment, nurturing, joviality etc.). Before the intellectuals begin their tasks, during their periods of rest, and after they are done, they need those things. They will be more successful if they have an empath around to hold up a mirror and talk through feelings and prejudices. Emotional implications are challenging to the intellectual, due to their need for order and lack of understanding of emotional processes.
This is not to imply that the male intellectual is incapable of empathy. Just as women hone their intellectual talents, men will often train their intuition. It has been asserted that highly developed empathic skills save many lives during combat. There are many accounts of male soldiers in the jungle in Vietnam just 'knowing' what was about to happen, where an enemy had placed a trap, when to move and when to freeze. These accounts place a large emphasis on an 'extrasensory perception' or 'sixth sense'. It could be argued that this is just the same mechanism in a woman that allows her to know when her children are in trouble 50 miles away. Empathy, intuition, whatever you want to call it, I argue that not only is it real, it is important, and that culturally, we know this and therefore keep our empaths safe. 
It's worth noting that in many native/tribal cultures, the empath is not necessary female. Native American shamans were more often male. But their function was the same. To use a sense other than one of the main five to assist the tribe with hunting, teaching, fertility, medicine, celebration, entertainment and general wellbeing.
However, the dictionary defines an empath as:
empath |ˈempaθ|
noun
(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.
Paranormal apparently means "beyond the scope of scientific understanding." And this is why, I think, our women as empaths and intuitive beings have historically been undervalued or repressed. Western culture subscribes heavily to science as the dominant belief system, and the primary tool for deciding what is valid and indeed what is 'real' and what is not. It is not surprising that the logical, intellectual male is a big fan of science. After all, science is reasonable. There is a proven reason for all that is deemed real. This doesn’t leave a lot of room for empaths nor spirituality nor anything that cannot be explained through reason.
Most members of native/tribal societies generally agree that there is a lot about the world that they cannot explain, and this is ok, comforting even, because they have a spiritual connection to their environment and do their best to trust their environment to provide for them. They live flexibly in relation to shifting circumstances and give a lot of power and weight to empathy, intuition and spirituality. The western scientific system of generally agreeing to our reality in intellectual terms is inflexible. Everything must be explained, in controlled circumstances, and anything which cannot be is dismissed as not ‘real’ or as ‘hocus pocus’ etc. This system allows intellectuals to thrive, but it disempowers the empath.
While science reigns, the empath can only contribute to the outcomes of the push-pull/proven-disproved nature of scientific society. Unless she wants to develop her intellectual skills, the best the empath can hope for is to fulfil her role as healer, teacher, nurturer, entertainer and stress-reliever as best she can and hope the intellectuals don’t fuck it all up.

*Baumeister, R. (2007) "Is there anything good about men?"

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Kinship

 Kinship = new favourite word. Tis synonymous with 'affinity' which is itself a synonym for 'force' and for 'chemical attraction' (according to my trusty thesaurus). Also, I had oodles of thesaurus fun looking up 'force'. Try it :)
 
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." - Carl Jung. Think he was nearly there with that one.


Chemicals are how people become tribekin - prolonged exposure breeds affinity. Strong and persistant chemical reaction = omnipresent chemicals in blood = those not previously related by blood have a different chemical make up due to a person being present in their lives. If this isn't kin, I'm not sure what is. Gives a whole new meaning to friends being the family you choose imho.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

My lavender


I sat on my stoop to damply observe
The streetlit mist and the murk
And the stars peeked out from behind a cloud
And told me to go rest for work

But my lavender has brave new flowers
It's spring in my old shop front
And the woodsmoke smell, and the Christmas lights
Seem none too pleased with her stunt

"How dare you burst forth in December?!" they cried
"How dare you buck nature's fine trend?"
But my lavender smiled, and sweetly-fragranced, she said

"Why can't we all just be friends?"

Monday, 7 November 2011

Imperfectly


Call out my name like you mean it
When I dance and flash through the night
This coffee skin and these fiery eyes
Have you firmly set in their sights

An English rose and pauper
An African glamazon queen
Earthily imperfectly female
And you still seem to be keen

My hair is bristling nature
My body is flawed happenstance
My soul unpolluted and tactless
And you're still craving romance

My house has a door which is open
If you're brave enough to come find me
I've got laughter and song and food and love
And passionate poetry.

Friday, 8 July 2011

A Solstice love poem

I’m running through this farmer’s field now
I’m going to get my feet wet
I’ll be quiet, ‘cause I think there’s a cow
But I think she sleeps after sunset

Tomorrow a new sun will rise
And nature will get her way
And I’ll hope to wake to your eyes
And I’ll be yours for another day

Tomorrow is the first of summer
The Solstice will bless us with light
And I’ll capture our moments of ardor
And save them for cold winter nights

So take off your suit and your shoes now
And run through the night, hold my hand
Don’t think so hard, come and see how
Solid and steady my stone love stands.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Questions about love, lust and trust...

Maybe it's not about finding the person who is right for us?
Maybe it’s about finding the person who we are right for?
Because you can never truly know about another person, but you can know about their effect upon you.
Instead of looking for someone who ticks our boxes, maybe we should just be looking out for someone who elicits a reaction in us? A reaction of confidence maybe?

Confidence that we can be loyal to them, that we can laugh with them, that we want to share the different aspects of our lives with them. Confidence that we want their input. Confidence that we seem to be organically influenced by them in positive ways and that we are inspired by them. Confidence that we can handle negativity from them in a healthy way.

If we have confidence in our ability to be healthy and happy in that person's company, what else do we need? We don't need to depend on them, because we should be able to depend on ourselves at our best, and if we are confident that we're a positive version of ourselves when they're around, they've already made us feel secure, just by being themselves, and without trying.

Why does it have to be more complicated than that?
Why can’t people just decide that if they’re confident that the reactions in themselves are so good, then they should probably continue to feed them?

It seems to me that looking inward for genuine love (not admiration, or infatuation) of another person within ourselves, and getting good at recognising it when it’s there makes much more sense than attempting to recognise anything in other people. We’re not mind readers after all. Or maybe we were once, but as we evolve as a species, we seem to be becoming less so.

Can we change another person? No. Can we influence another person without meaning to? Certainly. We do it all day long. So surely basing relationships on whether a person’s subconscious influences on you are positive or not makes much more sense than having a preconceived idea of what will make us happy and looking for someone who meets that idea. 

If you spend your life looking for someone who matches your romantic ideal, you’ll probably just convince yourself you love someone who meets 80% of the criteria and spend the next decade or so focussing on the 20% of them you’re not so into.

“First you’ll roll your eyes to heaven
Say you’ve never had love so divine
But it will go from more than ever
To not enough in no time.”  - Ani Difranco, 78% water

The point Ani is making in this song is that we are 78% water, “even our pumping hearts” and as she mentions in another song “love is loose, it shifts each time you move”. Trying to find someone who fits your fairytale is impossible when you look at love as fluid, inconstant and ever-changing. As everything else in the world is each of these three things (the only constant is change and all that) then why should love be any different? Especially when you take into account all the variables which affect a human. Then there's the notion that romantic love is a social phenomenon (note I don’t call romantic love a natural phenomenon) which is therefore affected by all of these human variables x 2, as we’re talking about a relationship with 2 humans in it.  

As an alternative to romantic love and ‘finding the one’, is it worth thinking about the idea that we’re all just chemicals reacting? And that once two chemicals have reacted, that is how they will always react? It is, literally, chemistry. At the end of the day, we’re all just sniffing each other’s pheromones and chasing the people who smell good to us. 

So if you find that your chemical reaction with someone is a good one, then that’s something to go on. And really, that’s just lust, and until you’ve spent extended periods of time in that person’s company that’s all you’ve got to go on. A person can talk a great talk, and even believe their own hype, but it’s their actions, reactions, routines and relationships with others which will help you decide whether you want to trust them or not. 

And even then, studies show that you’d best wait at least 6 months before you start thinking you can even see a clear picture of who they are. Before then, our brains are too full of phenylethylamine, dopamine and adrenaline for us to think straight about the person triggering these pleasurable hormonal reactions. This can go on for up to 3 years in some people, so take your time deciding whether you really trust that person you lust after so passionately.

However, if you meet someone who smells good to you and who after a reasonable period of time elicits a reaction of loyalty and positivity in you, then you might just be in what I like to call natural love, and it’s probably advisable to throw your romantic love fairytale tick list out of the window. Because as a wise man at the pub told me the other night, “Love is just lust plus trust.”