Your spirit, lover

No you’re not a project

You’re perfect as you are

There’s magic in your mess

And dark between your stars

Your universe can balance

Without its tenterhooks

You’ve left yourself the clues

In the margins of my books

You can read my pages slowly

You wrote them anyway

Though I cut out and rearranged them

Your spirit, lover, stayed.

On grief.

I love this time of year. November is my favourite month. I love Samhain and Remembrance Sunday and the turning of the seasons. I love the dark nights and the crisp mornings and the woodsmoke. Facebook memories tells me that 7 years ago today, Paul and Ally and I went on a pilgrimage to remember dad. Along the way we stopped at the Rod & Line pub in Tideford to see the plaque they put up for him. I think that the fact that I know my birthday (24th Dec), Christmas and the anniversary of his death (the night of 26th Dec) are right around the corner helps me to love November. I know that the hardest time of my year is right in front of me and somehow that makes me extra grateful for November. This wasn’t always the case, grief never leaves you, but it changes. Time can do almost anything, and I think that November reminds me how much is possible and how far we’ve come. Perhaps this pilgrimage 7 years ago helped with this. 

Over the next few weeks, let’s remember that for many people, the prospect of Christmas brings up grief and loneliness and let’s be gentle with each other.

 

Did you dance on the beach today?

Mum (just now, without a hint of self-consciousness): Did you dance on the beach today?

Me: No? What makes you think I may have danced on the beach?

Mum: Well - you were there by the waves and you took a video of them.

Me (laughing): Why does that mean I danced on the beach? Is that how you see me? That I just go to places and start dancing?

Mum (also laughing now): Well, no...I suppose that's what I do.

Me (laughing even harder): Yes.

Mum (a little indignant): Well you were with Julia's heart! 

Me (still laughing): Her family home is there. We walked around the cliffs to Harlyn and back. I did sing a bit, but we didn't dance on the beach. I love how you think that's the logical thing to do in this situation.

Mum: I just do a lot of dancing. 

She's such a legend. ✨😍 

Winter in the Valley✨🍂🍁

The light is as yellow and low as the sun

And I notice the length of shadows

The tribe hunkers in

To snuggle, eat and sing

And anticipate Yuletide to follow

The village is hushed, the tourists have gone

The air smells of woodsmoke at night

Hugs become bumper 

Through layers of jumpers

And the frost turns the moorland to white

The biggest night out of the tribal year 

Samhain, we dance and we laugh

We whoop and scream 

And let off our steam

And gossip in the aftermath 

Then Remembrance for boys who gave up their lives 

Our own chief, we’ll all hug him tight

Remembering when 

His brave absent friends

Sat proud to his left and his right

The seasons turn prompt in this here red valley 

Our Green Man has long since retired

Indian Summer’s

Officially over

When the landlord lights the pub fire

Softness and wool and velvet and sparkle✨

With a party dress worn underneath

The valley has mist

The air starts to nip 

Gathering greenery for my Yule wreath

Reunions, euphoria, stories and smiles 

Been upcountry but ended back here

Take stock with our kin

I’ll get the drinks in

We made it! To another year!

🍂🎃🍄🍁 

Kedgeree

Mother mine

Port Isaac maid

A tribute

To the life you gave 

You gave your love

Your magick life

To raise and guide

This awkward sprite

Made kedgeree 

To keep me strong

And when I sang

You heard my song

Paused your busy

Sat on your knees

To see my latest

Masterpiece

You wisely saw

Inherited smarts

Couldn’t compensate 

For a kind heart

Showed me that

The spirit world

Owed nothing to this

Loudmouthed girl

Create my own

Is what you prayed

Make it happen

Don’t be afraid

Responsibility

Didn’t always come

But you persisted 

Brave, tired mum

To know myself

You showed the need

For integrity

Thought, word and deed

You taught me manners

And not to blame

Be accountable

And hold others the same 

Invisible 

To all but you

My teens felt hard

We made it through

And now a woman

Here I stand

Sculpted by

Your artists’ hand 

Your music, magic

To me you give

A role model

Of a life well lived 

Your ear is there

And always was

Never reproach

Simply love

No matter the word

The deed or thought

You never judged

But always taught

I rebelled against

Your hippie ways

Went to the city

Tried “straight-laced”

But now contrite

My soul and bones 

Have returned to our 

Ancestral home 

Now Ma I find

Your Cornish song

Your way was my way

All along

And I consider

With clearer sight

That maybe mother 

Was always right!

Full Wolf Moon January 2017

Having lived by a tidal river for nearly half of my life (the River Tiddy/St. Germans Estuary and then in the Tamar Valley), like most people in those areas, I have a healthy respect for and connection to the moon.

A full moon high tide is very often something to behold, if not something to be warned about. Emotionally, a full moon can lead to all kinds of mischief within a tribe. Just as the Farmers Almanac thinks the moon is relevant for the best times to grow things, we need to pay more attention to it in our own lives. The moon features in every religion, and it moves our water in huge ways, every day, every month, every year. And remember, we are 78% water. So whatever your religious persuasion, the effect of the moon will be felt, so I think we should talk about it.

I pride myself in being a fairly logical person, but I'm also very intuitive, so I am moved to write about this full moon based on my own experiences/observations of nature and based on research, reading and listening to other moon-watchers, nature lovers and empaths talk about it. There is just not enough information around on this. I wish we had more writing about the full moons and less about the zodiac.

Wolf Moon

The Full Wolf Moon in January was traditionally called this by Native tribes based (as all their traditions are) entirely upon the observation of nature. The weather is bitter and the wolves are howling outside of the village for food. It was also called the old moon, the cooking moon, the quiet moon or the ice moon, depending on which tribe you were (on both sides of the Atlantic).

It's a time for reflection, protection, intuition and recuperation. You may naturally feel the need to sleep more during these short days and build up your health and energy post Yule, pre-Spring. It's often a time that the most physically hard-working among us rest a little and as a result, their body relaxes and they get sick - picking up whatever is going around their tribe. If that is you, REST MORE. Even if it is not you, take this time to be still and restful.

Recuperation - The Old Moon

Anything you may be feeling - low moods, existential tension or anxiety - can be explained by the time of year. It is not a good time of year for control freaks. If you try to fight the Wolf Moon and power on through without slowing down and practicing some self care, it will set the tone for you for the next 2-3 more moons ahead, and you'll be on the backfoot trying to catch your breath and refill your energy reserves. Prioritise rest and steady progress now.

Reflection - The Ice Moon

I say steady progress because the Native theme of the Full Wolf Moon is traditionally "Man vs Himself". Because there will be no harvest or plants for a long while, people and animals are naturally anxious, tired and the weather is cold. The lack of vegetation affects the whole food chain. This time takes an awful lot of mental resilience to keep going. You'll be tested by everyone else's low energy, low ebb and low moods. Hope may be low in those closest to you. But do keep steady. Keep plodding on with the wind in your face and the snow at your paws like the wolf. A hard new year exercise regime or extreme work on new ventures is not for now. Any attempt to light a fire under yourself just now is likely to end in you burning out quickly and spectacularly like a firework. Light a steady burning candle or a fire and pray.

Protection - The Cooking Moon

As the tribe hunkers down to rest and get through the month, we feel a sense of protectiveness, like a wolf mother and her pups. Use this time to connect and be gentle with your loved ones - eat nice, comforting food. Do not be neurotic about your health, and certainly not about your weight at this time of year. Forgive your loved ones everything. Now isn't the time for conflict or self service. Huddle for warmth. It will aid your recuperation.

Also, part of this protection is the need to let go of whatever or whomever did not serve you last year. Avoid those people (don't confront them - that comes later in the year). Take time for yourself, and huddle with those who make you feel peaceful, or with whom you can easily reach a state of peace with some forgiveness or humility on your part.

The practical part of protection is to prepare your home and your tribe for the year ahead. Organise your finances, check your smoke alarms, plan your holidays and festivals, buy furniture or lovely home luxuries in the sales. Because this isn't the time for production or plenty, purchase any essentials to help you to earn your money and enjoy yourself this year (workwear, swimwear etc.) and get the car serviced. Be grateful for it all and keep shopping trips short, and screen time low. This is recuperation time.

Intuition - The Quiet Moon

You will naturally feel your wildness is very close to the surface this month. You may have more dreams and you may find yourself thinking about your favourite natural place. The wolf is primal and hungry at this time of year. Don't let this become anger - don't snarl. Make love not war, as your sex drive may increase. Indulge it. Make as much love as you possibly can. It'll aid your connection with others, open your soul, help you recuperate and be strong, and it will aid circulation and keep you warm! As I said - huddle for warmth! This is a particularly sexy moon, so if single, you'll find that flirtation and promiscuity may surround you. It's ok, don't overthink it - people just want someone to huddle with! It's no coincidence that September is the most common month for birthdays - November, December and January are peak baby making months!

Also, whatever your spiritual persuasion, pray. Because your wildness is prevalent, your intuition is piqued and your connection to the spirit world is strong. Sit by the fire, pray and listen to what you are being told.

Finally, it may sound counter-intuitive for the recuperation month, but a few solitary leisurely walks (wrap up!) on high ground will actually aid your healing towards the end of the month. You are transforming as you recuperate, so let your old skin be blown away up on high ground. You'll also find that, like a lone wolf, the solitude on these walks helps you recharge, so you can go back to camp and get back to connecting, cuddling, cooking and lovemaking!

In strong support of Kanye West

So Kanye. Glastonbury. Sure. I admit it. I got annoyed at points of his show (Bohemian Rhapsody? No Kanye. Just no) - or worse, sometimes, I was bored. But in those boring moments I just muted him for a bit and before I knew it, he was back to "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" or of course, his big meal ticket, "Gold Digger". His carefully crafted light cube would pulse and the crowd would jump, and all would be forgiven. As an unashamed Kanye lover, I have to stress that I believe Kanye's music cannot be enjoyed for extended periods of time without a mute button for breaks, in any context. It is...intense. But. To enjoy Kanye is to bask in his world of wordplay, aphorisms and ego. Just for a bit. Oscar Wilde eat your heart out.

Here is a modern day musical Napoleon. Master of his craft, clever in his execution, paranoid, proud, sensitive and yet all conquering. Commanding a huge, somewhat evangelical following. Writing songs like "New Slaves" and "Blood on the Leaves". Taking on the modern American class war (the French Revolution this ain't) and writing a new story for black men through his monologues. Talking, (from his substantial platform) about society, his feelings (!) and God. And not giving a flying fig what you think about it. Sorry British public. Kanye didn't grow up in a world where fair play and politeness gets you ahead. So shoot him...

Thing is, he's not even a loveable rogue. He's power itself - a dictator who dresses his wife and probably designed his own lighting rig at 4am in the morning in Barbados and woke the whole household. And he took over Babington during the festival's duration. Here is control freakery for the masses. I really should hate him. But I don't.

Despite all of the petition controversy, when the time came, he went right up there and was his authentic, narcissistic, no-fucks-given self. That's pretty damn rock-n-roll. He's no people pleasing guitar monkey who gives the fans what they want on stage and then smashes up his hotel room later. Neither will he overdose in a bathroom, trying to medicate against his artistic angst. He's too extroverted for all of that. He's a businessman balancing genuine, wildly energetic self expression with shrewd commercial success. I admire Tracey Emin for the same (difference is I hate her work). 

I find watching his total self indulgence as he lets it all hang out on stage a relief both from the stuffy and politically correct shackles of our society, and from the rest of the music industry and its carefully contrived hair gel models. 

Yeezy makes great music, he just does. And if you listen to his lyrics, he's painfully honest and self aware about his super low self esteem and general douchebaggery ("Blame Game", "Runaway"). And no, he can't sing. Does he want to share the glory, royalties or the stage? Absolutely not. So along comes soul-bearing electro-pop concept album "808s and heartbreak" in 2008, and suddenly, auto-tune is a conceptual tool. A Kanye trademark. He OWNS the vocoder. He shows that he doesn't care that he's a rubbish singer, and suddenly, neither do we. For now he is positioned as an intellectual, emotionally literate VISIONARY, and regular singing is for plebs. He produces his own image just as he cuts a record. With a terrifying perfectionism and an instinctive sense of timing.

It is strategy like that which keeps Kanye on top. Would he sell more if people liked him more? Probably. But he's a superstar entirely on his own terms, and whilst I suspect him of being a bit of a massive knob in real life, I admire his raw talent and consider his self aggrandisement both a tool for his rise, and then a treat for himself after working hard all these years. And he has been. "Jesus Walks" (his fourth single) came out ELEVEN years ago. Feel old yet? Kanye is 38 now. The boy is, by most measures, a grown up. He is who he's going to be. 

Why, therefore, shouldn't he marry a glamour model who'll adore him? Why should he not scream "I'm king of the world!" or its equivalent?! He's an intellectual sociopath - he'll never be happy, so he may as well be a hedonist. When he swings above the crowd belting out "All of the lights" in a cherry picker, forcing you to squint up at him, his searchlight all but blinding you as it reflects off the glitter in your eyelashes, he's just getting his kicks and fucking with you at the same time. I get my kicks listening to his music. I don't mind him getting his. Humility is good, but there's also a place for energy, for passion, for yang, for fire and for chaos - it keeps us all on our toes and feeling alive. Without all that, we'd be dead. But we'd be humble, I guess.

Where there is chaos and conflict in music, that's where you'll find Kanye. He'll be the one carefully arranging it into witty poetry, with an African beat and some hi-tech samples. At worst, he artfully skirts between courting controversy and honing his commercial appeal - at best, he fuses the two in a maelstrom of media. He causes a ruckus, sets our news agenda for us, pumps out an anthem and continues to be the world's greatest living rock star. Even if he does say so himself.

"What more can you ask for?

The international asshole

Who complains about what he is owed?

And throws a tantrum like he is 3 years old

You gotta love it though somebody still speaks from his soul"

- Kanye West, Diamonds from Sierra Leone