Wednesday, 15 October 2014

"Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real."


"Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real."
Iris Murdoch. Clever lady.

So I'm working on a relationship. As in, confronting and addressing my bratty, control freak, vain, gameplaying, selfish and just horrendously insecure behaviors, whilst also communicating my own emotional needs in some kind of coherent way. 

So I'm putting in the work. It was either that or throw away yet another great man to avoid the possibility that I may not be right all the time, and marry a corporate director and become a PA/Wife with no requirement for actual emotional intimacy. Which was actually a real consideration for a little while there, ridiculous as it sounds, when I type it out loud. I mean, the galas I would've thrown for charity would've been epic, but my kids may have grown up kind of mal-adjusted, due to the emotional example I failed to set them. In hypothetical world. Anyhoo, the path I've chosen is uncomfortable at times, it's vulnerable, it's raw and it's hard. And it's rewarding, it's magic, it's beautiful, it's GROWTH. 

He's a pretty special guy, the guy who is challenging me. He's constant, patient and soooo deeply loving, all while doing all of his own vulnerable, growing, rawness, letting go of control freakery and learning to communicate things. Turns out he's actually pretty great at creating a safe space for me - which inevitably means I have to lift my game and do the same by working on my empathy, gratitude and compassion stuff. Aloof isn't really an option. And not just because I want to keep him - I actually know I'll be fine without him, after a few months apart. 

We got back together about 2 months ago and I'm putting in the work because he's provided a mirror that shows me a WHOLE bunch of potential beauty and untapped emotional strength in me that I didn't even know existed, (or more honestly I did, but I was being lazy) and I'm not willing to walk away from the woman I could be if I just get on and LOVE. Like, really love. Like, really realise (and admit) that something (or someone) other than myself is real.